Actual Quotes from my Dad (An English Teacher)
Dad: Why the hell did you put a comma there?
Dad: Do you even know what a participial phrase is?
Dad: Omg. He's like my favorite character of all time.
Dad: Who should I dress up as for the movie premier?
Dad: Hey are you awak? I know it's late, but you read Animal Farm, right? Yeah. I need you to read this report. I can't tell if I am just super tired or if this is actual bullshit.
Dad: Alesha wouldn't be able to spell 'definitely' right if wrote it down for her. She would fucking erase it and then write 'defiantly', because she doesn't care. I hate her.
Dad: I need you to bake brownies. I lost a bet.
Dad: Omg. You cannot ship me with Gilcher. You know I don't like tattoos and he's like twenty-five. And for Christ's sake, he teaches math.
Dad: Omg. Gilcher said the funniest thing today.
Dad: Mrs. Ashworth and I have decided to start a band. It'll be called Great Expectations.
Dad: It's like you didn't read the fucking book.
Dad: Okay. So this week you're reading this book I stole from Mrs. Ashworth's. It's like sixty pages long, but you'll love it.
Dad: *puts books on my bed for me to read everyday and demands that I read them*
Dad: My son doesn't like reading. I have not only failed him, but society. You aren't my son. Leave.
Dad: Okay. So you're getting books for Christmas. All of you. I get discounts on them since I'm a teacher, and since I'm a teacher, it's all I can afford, so...
Dad: Fucking standardized testing can go fuck itself in the ass.
Dad: I have to teach for the required testing instead of what they really need to know.
Dad: Fuck the government.
Dad: Fuck the school board.
Dad: Close the door.
Dad: Charles Dickens was so fucking pretentious, and I hate him, but he also caused change, but he's such a Dick. Ha. DICKens.
Dad: I love puns.
Dad: People who say sarcasm is the lowest form of humor are assholes.
Dad: Please shut up.
Dad: Catching Fire was the worst book but the best movie and that feels weird.
Dad: I wouldn't get so mad when you call me at school if you didn't change your ringtones to inappropriate rap music.
Dad: I fucking hate Alesha. She asked what countries were apart of Austria-Hungary today and I almost told her to get out.
Dad: You cannot visit my school in a dress that short. There are boys there.
Dad: Barbra Parks is fucking Queen.
Dad: I need you to make me a good, relaxing playlist for silent reading. I'm too lazy.
Dad: If I have to watch two of my students grind on each other at one more dance, I will kill them both.
Dad: They act like I care what they think.
Dad: I hate homework.
Dad: I have decided to become a politician.
Dad: What's the one book with the guys and the one kills the other and the chick without a name who dies and the short angry man? Mouseman? Oh my fucking gosh. Of Mice and Men. I have failed.

nosdrinker:

authority figures: stop fucking playing spy fox and start contributing to society

me: image

dqdbpb:

we’re halfway thru april, u know what tht means?

image

thegayduck:

lucifer-who:

ghdos:

I wish I had known about this when we had all that snow this winter.

#do you wanna stab a snowman #it doesn’t have to be a snowman

#it doesn’t have to be a snowman

davediddlystrider:

vandigo:

dinosaurs-daleks-and-detectives:

of-the-yellow-ajah:

vengefulbarista:

The cast of The Lord of the Rings, everybody.

I tried to scroll past this…I really tried.

cast of the Academy Award winning Lord of the Rings trilogy 

This will forever be the best picture to ever come from a movie cast.

where are his nipples though

davediddlystrider:

vandigo:

dinosaurs-daleks-and-detectives:

of-the-yellow-ajah:

vengefulbarista:

The cast of The Lord of the Rings, everybody.

I tried to scroll past this…I really tried.

cast of the Academy Award winning Lord of the Rings trilogy 

This will forever be the best picture to ever come from a movie cast.

where are his nipples though

envoy-of-ghosts:

cometotheartside:

pinklikeme:

carry-on-my-wayward-butt:

musik-box:

This is 100% what everyone does in their room when they are alone, and this girl filmed it. Bravo.

this is my favorite video in all of human history

I WAS LOOKING FOR THIS THE OTHER DAY THIS CUTE GIRL her laugh is so infectious goddammit

Dying.

god I needed that laugh

ttheshindigg:

You can’t control the Prince Of All Saiyans.

rnedia:

everyone in harry potter treated luna like she was crazy for believing in weird shit like they didn’t go to wizard high school

tapdancers:

wwehs:

how to be an adult

im sad this was so short because he was about to go so hard

sassy-brain:

I JUST FOUND COMEDIC GOLD ON A PORN WEBSITE OMFG

I WAS LOOKING UP PORN TO SHOW MY ROOMMATE WHO JAMES DEEN IS AND I FOUND A GUY WHO CALLS HIMSELF LIMERICK LARRY AND HE WRITES POEMS ABOUT THE PORN VIDEOS

I CAN’T BREATHE

aneternalscoutandabrownie:

jamesmdavisson:

So far, I have been enjoying the Adventures of Business Cat a great deal, possibly more than is appropriate for an adult human. (All of these are from the webcomic Happy Jar)

UPDATE: Now with more Business.

YES ALL THE BUSINESS CAT STRIPS IN ONE PLACE

targetlost:

Some photographs of the new Free! merchandise. 

Source

yofryman:

YO DEXTER WHAT DOES THIS FRIGGIN BUTTON DO

yofryman:

YO DEXTER WHAT DOES THIS FRIGGIN BUTTON DO